In Fear of … Casual Sex


This is something I struggle with, and I have no idea why!  My rational head says:

“You only have to meet and have sex, not fall in love and live happily ever after”


“You don’t ever have to see them ever again if you don’t want to”

but still I can’t bring myself to meet any of the very sexy, VERY up for it guys I have met over the years.  Don’t get me wrong, I have actually met a couple of guys that I have met on Twitter; a few have then made it into my bed, but some haven’t.  I always set out saying to anyone I meet that there is no guarantee of anything sexual happening; we meet for a drink / some food and then go from there.

I think what I get so caught up in is the ridiculousness of the whole ‘will I fancy him’ thing. I am most definitely a gal that has to feel something in order to sleep with someone (or at least I am for the moment).  I have to fancy him, find him attractive in some way (not always physical I might add), there has to be a certain amount of *spark*.

Now, I am not silly enough to think that the angels will sing and the trumpets play, or that I will instantly fall in love with them and want to have a relationship with them .. but actually that adds to the panic – what if I do? What if I like him more that he likes me? What if I fall for him in a big way and he treats me like shit?  All of this is borne from bad experiences in the past and I know that I would have to be really unlucky to go through what I went through all over again, but when you get burnt, it stays with you, you know?

Funnily enough, although I am very careful about meeting strangers (giving detailed information to at least 2 friends, just in case), the fear of meeting an axe-murderer isn’t something I actually think about – I suppose it might be due to the fact that i am a pretty good internet stalker and tend to know a lot more about my potential play-mates than they possibly think! 😉

Every year, I tell myself, nay I promise myself that things will change and that i will finally meet someone for some random hot fucking, and it never happens. I always chicken out or come up with an excuse as to why I can’t meet them.

I use my living situation as an excuse, or my job, or I panic and act like I’m a 15 year old girl who’s a virgin.. and why??

All because I let my past rule me.

This needs to change.  Not only because I’m going to be 38 this year and haven’t had sex for FAR TOO LONG, but also because I need to stop letting my past rule my present.  I have made a start in other areas of my life and have felt the most amazing relief, and am ready to move on in this area too.

I got the inspiration for this post after reading what Hyacinth said in her blog.  She lists the reason why a casual hookup partner doesn’t have to be ‘perfect’, just good enough for now, and it made me think about why I am my won worst enemy in getting what I want!

This is her conclusion and it spoke to me …

The thing about casual sex, especially when all the boxes get ticked, is that it feels like self-care, like meditation after a long day.  It re-centers me and reminds me of my humanness.  Participating in this thing that practically every other person on the planet also participates in connects me to the essence of what it is to be alive and safe and healthy.  Forgiving myself for my preferences and my urges is one step, maintaining a healthy distance is another.

Next step, unrelated to the rules of casually fucking, is making sure I protect enough emotional energy for the real healing I need to happen {…}.  At some point, none of these rules will apply and I’ll need something real.  I’ll want to be loved again and hopefully love in return.

So tell me, are you in fear of casual sex?  What stops you from meeting guys and gals for mind-blowing sex?  What else are you fearful of when it comes to sex?  I feel a blog series coming on ..!


2 thoughts on “In Fear of … Casual Sex

  1. It’s an act of enormous intimacy and trust. Even a casual fuck takes a certain amount of trust unless you’ve one of those people who can suspend their feelings. I’m not, by the way. I don’t have any answers but I do understand


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s