Watching Men Wank

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OK, so one of the meme’s I thought I would take part in this year on the blog is ‘Masturbation Monday’.  If you that know me already, you probably know that watching a man jack off is a bit of a kink of mine.  Why? I really don’t know but I thought I would try to explain it a little here in case it helps me unearth some deeply hidden something or other that helps me understand!

I suppose on the surface, the thought of a guy being so turned on by me that he has to beat the Bishop is simply enough for me. I have been treated so unkindly in the past and told that no one would ever fancy me or want to fuck me, that I suppose it’s still a little of a surprise when someone does.  These days, watching a guy choking his chicken is a lot easier than it used to be!  When I first came online, it was done for sure, but guys seemed a lot more reserved than they seem to be now!

I suppose the one this working against me is that I am not a fan of reciprocation.  I mean yes, at some point I will flick my bean whilst remembering the session, but I tend to want to pay 100% attention in real time and soak it all in .. and not be worrying about what I look like on cam.  This is why I will always say that I don’t do it and will understand if they no longer want to but if they still want to perform a five finger shuffle and let me watch, then they are more than welcome to, and a fair amount do – we are a generation of exhibitionists you know!

I also like receiving videos; I once ran a little challenge called #WankforLou which entailed guys basically having a wank in my name and letting me know about it so that I could ‘count’ it – my aim was 1 million but due to various reasons I had to stop. Maybe I should start it up again, what do you think?

I think one of the reasons I like it is that I can see the affect of the stimulation on a cock.  I am also well know for my love of seeing a flaccid cock get hard on cam and will always ask a guy if that’s possible.  When giving a handjob or watching someone jerkin the gerkin, you can see how hard his cock gets, feel it pulsating, feel the heat running through the shaft and then when he cums, I love to sit and watch it.  A twitchy cock is one of my most favourite sights.

I think this stems from a time when I was much younger – too young really, when a boy I was at school with took me into an empty classroom and asked me to hold his willy for him in exchange for some (oh so romantic and not at all cliched) chocolate.  I remember at the time thinking how warm and hard it was .. and HUGE. I think it was the first I had seen and certainly the first erection I had been around.

I often wonder now actually if he was as well endowed as I thought back then .. either way I’m kind of ashamed to say that I have often fantasised about meeting up with him at the school reunion and getting to see for myself.  We have one this year in July.  Maybe I’ll get lucky?

So there we are. If you didn’t know already, now you know what my ‘thing’ is and can email or tweet me immediately offering to go on cam for me anytime, and I will be all coy and tell you maybe one day, but secretly will be trying to work out when I can get some privacy in this mad house so that I can watch you … and again … and again … and again .. Please?!

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Week #122

In Fear of … Casual Sex

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This is something I struggle with, and I have no idea why!  My rational head says:

“You only have to meet and have sex, not fall in love and live happily ever after”

and

“You don’t ever have to see them ever again if you don’t want to”

but still I can’t bring myself to meet any of the very sexy, VERY up for it guys I have met over the years.  Don’t get me wrong, I have actually met a couple of guys that I have met on Twitter; a few have then made it into my bed, but some haven’t.  I always set out saying to anyone I meet that there is no guarantee of anything sexual happening; we meet for a drink / some food and then go from there.

I think what I get so caught up in is the ridiculousness of the whole ‘will I fancy him’ thing. I am most definitely a gal that has to feel something in order to sleep with someone (or at least I am for the moment).  I have to fancy him, find him attractive in some way (not always physical I might add), there has to be a certain amount of *spark*.

Now, I am not silly enough to think that the angels will sing and the trumpets play, or that I will instantly fall in love with them and want to have a relationship with them .. but actually that adds to the panic – what if I do? What if I like him more that he likes me? What if I fall for him in a big way and he treats me like shit?  All of this is borne from bad experiences in the past and I know that I would have to be really unlucky to go through what I went through all over again, but when you get burnt, it stays with you, you know?

Funnily enough, although I am very careful about meeting strangers (giving detailed information to at least 2 friends, just in case), the fear of meeting an axe-murderer isn’t something I actually think about – I suppose it might be due to the fact that i am a pretty good internet stalker and tend to know a lot more about my potential play-mates than they possibly think! 😉

Every year, I tell myself, nay I promise myself that things will change and that i will finally meet someone for some random hot fucking, and it never happens. I always chicken out or come up with an excuse as to why I can’t meet them.

I use my living situation as an excuse, or my job, or I panic and act like I’m a 15 year old girl who’s a virgin.. and why??

All because I let my past rule me.

This needs to change.  Not only because I’m going to be 38 this year and haven’t had sex for FAR TOO LONG, but also because I need to stop letting my past rule my present.  I have made a start in other areas of my life and have felt the most amazing relief, and am ready to move on in this area too.

I got the inspiration for this post after reading what Hyacinth said in her blog.  She lists the reason why a casual hookup partner doesn’t have to be ‘perfect’, just good enough for now, and it made me think about why I am my won worst enemy in getting what I want!

This is her conclusion and it spoke to me …

The thing about casual sex, especially when all the boxes get ticked, is that it feels like self-care, like meditation after a long day.  It re-centers me and reminds me of my humanness.  Participating in this thing that practically every other person on the planet also participates in connects me to the essence of what it is to be alive and safe and healthy.  Forgiving myself for my preferences and my urges is one step, maintaining a healthy distance is another.

Next step, unrelated to the rules of casually fucking, is making sure I protect enough emotional energy for the real healing I need to happen {…}.  At some point, none of these rules will apply and I’ll need something real.  I’ll want to be loved again and hopefully love in return.

So tell me, are you in fear of casual sex?  What stops you from meeting guys and gals for mind-blowing sex?  What else are you fearful of when it comes to sex?  I feel a blog series coming on ..!